FINDING MOTIVATION

Recently, I wrote to a friend about not having the motivation to exercise. Getting out of bed and running to the gym or Pilates seems like a hardship, although I know of all the benefits exercise offers my physical and emotional health.

I wish I had the same motivation for exercise as I do for gardening.

It seems like once I discover the secret to self-motivation, I’ll be able to convince myself to put on my exercise clothes right after waking up in the morning.

I wish I had the same motivation for exercise as I do for gardening. I have cold-hardy tulips and daffodils coming up, there are plants reblooming in the garage until it’s safe to put them out after the first frost, and I have lots of seedlings popping up in their containers on the window sill. As silly as it sounds, I feel like a new mom—not the responsibility kind, but the kind that takes pride in knowing what she did had an effect on her offspring.

The biggest difference is that unlike with my real children, I have full control over the growth of these ‘babies.’ If they grow through fruition, I am responsible. If they die early on because I didn’t give them the proper care, I am responsible. It’s like my books—if they get written and sell, that’s on me. If not, that’s on me, too.

I’ve recognized that control has always been an issue affecting all aspects of my life, having sprung from a dysfunctional, abusive childhood. Thank goodness for my writing which helps keeps me balanced, acting as my own self-medicating shrink. And it’s cheaper, too. (Not that I don’t recommend a counselor if needed.)

The funny thing is, I felt embarrassed for sharing this information with my writing friend. I didn’t want her to think of me as a mental case or to see me in any way as someone who was “less than.” I suppose I could have just used the e-mail material and not send it to her, but I’d rather be honest with someone than let them know me as someone I am not. Despite my doubts, I sent the message.

Just after e-mailing her, I booked a Pilates session.

ANGER & UNHEALED SEXUAL ABUSE VICTIMS

While abuse survivors often find themselves keeping silent or saying what they think others want to hear, eventually something uncomfortable can set them off. Long held bitterness and resentments due to past trauma—unresolved feelings, inexplicable emotions, and troubling memories—build under pressure.

Before I started to heal from abuse, I held my trauma so far below the surface, I didn’t know it existed. Something inside wanted verbal expression, but I couldn’t define what it was, let alone what I felt. Each time I was triggered by a bad experience—another person or a stressful event—I added to the already tightly covered container of intense feelings on the verge of exploding, and the tension started to seep out.

I brought the bulging vessel into my marriage, tainting it with insecurity and unhappiness from my past that stayed with me like a toxic friend who I didn’t know how to confront. I lived in a chaotic emotional jumble. Miserable, I thought I put up a good front, though I blamed my husband as the cause of all my problems and those in our relationship. My children often took the brunt of my frustration and hostile feelings. Sometimes, I unnecessarily lashed out, exaggerating the most minor offenses, and felt guilty later for disciplining my kids with excessive punishment.

Unhealed victims of abuse fall prey to anger when overwhelmed with feelings stemming from the past.

My husband and I had often had terrible arguments about the lack of money and him wanting me to work. I highly resented him because my mom drilled into me to get married and find a husband to take care of me. I did what she said, but it wasn’t working, and I resented my husband all the more for it. Instead of either of us compromising and finding solutions, I raged at my husband because he refused to see my side of things. Brought to the brink of hysterics, I slammed my fists a few times on the dining table and screeched something awful at him, not considering any potential damage to my hands and wrists. With that action, I helped to bring on early arthritis and exacerbated carpel tunnel syndrome from a previous car accident. And hurting myself did nothing to help the situation.

Ironically, the very thing I needed to learn—how to use my voice—I discouraged in my children because they were afraid to approach me, not knowing if I’d be receptive or verbally explosive.

Anger quickly grew into the most common form of expression for everything else I felt. It acted as a protective barrier when I was inundated with painful feelings like humiliation, embarrassment, frustration, anxiety, or shame. My temper showed up as swearing, finger pointing, shouting, name calling, invading physical space, slamming doors, or driving aggressively.

Sadly, it took years to discover that my anger was directed toward everyone except those who abused me—my brother, abusive ex-boyfriends, parents who didn’t listen, and bullies in the school and workplace. In fear of retribution, I wouldn’t direct any angry feelings toward anyone who reminded me of my abusers.

Unhealed victims of abuse fall prey to anger when overwhelmed with feelings stemming from the past—powerlessness and frustration, facing uncontrollable circumstances, feeling unvalidated, or recognizing the acceptance of low expectations. Nerves are struck when feeling criticized, unloved, unwanted just as in childhood. Victims can be quick to anger when recalling how much trauma was endured through unfair and painful treatment and threats. Not feeling valued or being allowed a voice can make one feel as if still living an abusive past.

All these are normal reactions for a victim of abuse, because as children, most victims weren’t taught how to manage feelings and never learned any type of effective communication within a dysfunctional family. Feelings are generally spewed onto the closest family or friends. Anger can be directed at oneself, too, in harmful or suicidal behavior. Angry reactions can be far more intense than the situation warrants when one isn’t aware of the underlying cause of abuse.

Triggers causing anger usually indicate that something hit a nerve, a truth in dire need of exploration, but then ego can create denial to protect us and keep us from facing reality of the present or past. We’d rather blame people or situations for our unhappy lives instead of admitting we are flawed.

Anger is a helpful gauge telling us when something needs to be changed in order to experience happier choices and a peaceful state of being. If an abuse survivor can determine and honestly examine what is really at the heart of their anger, repercussions can be diminished, and one may find the situation doesn’t warrant the amount of anger expressed.

The more we confront what makes us uncomfortable, the closer we grow toward understanding what we need to change in ourselves and our circumstances. Anger will lessen as we move toward a more relaxed and satisfying way of living.

Ignorance is No Longer Bliss

I finally hit the point where I have to face the world and seriously promote my work, both writing and editing, on social media. How is it a 300-page novel is easier to write than a brief tweet or a few lines on Instagram?

Like many authors I know, we enjoy our solitude—”hermitude” suits us—yet I understand how vital the social connection to our reading audience is and how it plays a valuable and necessary part in any business. I honestly love connecting with my reading audience. I enjoy discussions on any topic related to the writing industry. However, and here’s the real issue—I am not familiar enough with social media to know how to properly use it. The use of the internet has changed since I was first published and learned how to use the most popular programs.

I have seen thousands of others enjoy successful careers primarily through electronic means, building brands and platforms. I know it works and can work for me and my books. But I also know it’s not enough to search for reliable “how to” resources regarding the most popular sites for book promotion and sales. Still, when I hear terminology like RSS feeds, SEOs, engagement rates, Google algorithms and analytics, meta tags—they’re all a different language that I have no idea how to speak or navigate.

In that vein, I feel like a little kid going back to school to learn what social media platforms are best suited to authors and how to use them. I’m ready to do some heavy duty, serious promotion and marketing. I’m ready to do the work. I would love it if you could briefly share your online social media experience here. What helped you get started building an online presence?

The Value of Written Works

Concurrent with the start of a new political administration, I recently started school again. In Creative Writing II, the curriculum is portioned into three segments—non-fiction, fiction, and poetry. We started with non-fiction, which is good as I have a work in progress. The downside—essays.

I wasn’t always a fan of essays, probably because I never felt savvy enough to write a good one. My work as a life coach encourages people to speak up and voice their feelings and viewpoints, but it doesn’t appeal to me to share my personal opinion in this form. Essays make me doubt myself. What if I was wrong, inaccurate with my research and made a ludicrous false claim? What if my interpretation of a topic was so far off as not to make sense?

When first reading literary essays, I thought as long as a group of obscure words were strung together, like black pearls on a jute cord, it was immediately considered “raw and edgy” or brilliantly clever, even when it made no sense to me.

Then I go on to consider genre fiction, works I enjoy reading as well as writing. I immediately think of the word prose, a word that I feel almost contradicts itself. Prose refers to the “ordinary form of spoken or written language…” It also means “matter-of-fact or dull expression.” So, if I write genre fiction, is my work immediately assumed to be ordinary or dull?

Writing the truth, whether in a memoir or a fictional character’s viewpoint, creates a strong connection to the reader. Maybe because academic essays are too well organized and detached—the point is to remain factual with an air of objectiveness—to me, that makes the essay feel without emotional fiber. It’s just overblown or watered down rhetoric. (Prose?)

Well-written genre is infused with creative intensity. Hitler and a multitude of other misinformed leaders appealed to ignorant minds, not taking much to convince followers to believe in an illusion. However, making an intelligent and informed mind believe in something that isn’t real is more of a challenge. To me, that is what makes fiction exciting to write.

Literary works often end like an international film that leaves one scratching their head. I get it. They want you to think, to provoke a response by presenting an unclear resolution where you choose what you believe to be true. But some of us just want to be entertained. Sometimes we doubt ourselves, and we want a break from accountability. We don’t want to read vague endings and guess what they mean whilst escaping.

I read once that fiction was the worst thing that ever happened to written expression, like bottled water being bad for third world countries and the environment. I wonder if literature outside of non-fiction is always intended escapism—a way to avoid day to day realities or people just wasting time. Perhaps, I’m doing a disservice by wanting to entertain my readers rather than provoke them into thought or teach a new skill through my personal experiences in non-fiction or my fictionalized characters. So, does that make only non-fiction works worth writing and reading? And then there’s the entertainment aspect of videos and social media. Are they also outcasts of what should be acceptable material to digest?

Thus far, my quandary as a writer has been which book to get out next. Perhaps it should be which genre. Writing is self-expression, but can I help it if someone finds my expression entertaining?

I journaled these thoughts at 4 a.m. unable to sleep because I can’t stop thinking about writing. Sometimes I have colorful dreams, terrific fictional stories based on who I want to be, would dare not be, or maybe was in the past. They have to be written. Little snippets, truisms occasionally come through, as well as these unintentional half-formatted essays.

I suppose, what it all boils down to is doing what I love. Non-fiction memoirs and essays are crafts I still need to learn, but I’m still going to keep writing fiction.

Mentoring and Satisfaction

I started another Creative Writing II class this week. It isn’t needed for a degree requirement, but I enjoy the writing prompts that keep my writing muscles flexible. Reading assignments help me gain knowledge about the writing craft that I may not have known before. However, the most appealing part of the class is the interaction with the students who have an interest in writing.

I enjoy partaking in the editing and critiquing process with others. Those who take constructive criticism personally won’t benefit from anyone’s help, but those who do, thrive and flourish as potential authors. It gives me immense satisfaction to contribute to their improvement as I watch them polish their stories.

Those who mentor benefit just as much from the process as the people they mentor.

Every one of us has knowledge or talent we can use to mentor others, be it in job or life skills. Mentors help set goals and provide steps to realize them. Each time we help a young person achieve a goal, their self-esteem is impacted for the good. Everyone’s outlook is positively affected and stress is reduced. Young people who are mentored are less likely to be involved in at-risk behavior. They are more productive and can mentor others with their new expertise, keeping the wonderful cycle in motion.

Whatever your skill or talent, consider teaching your craft to someone who would appreciate your time and energy. It’s a helpful, creative, and satisfying way to make a positive difference in the world.

Putting My Thoughts on the Line

If someone asked me a question in a one-on-one conversation, my reply would be honest and most likely more information than you planned on receiving. Whether in an e-mail, even a text, my replies have been called “epic” in length—but I’d like to think my intuitive reply would hold your attention.

However, posting a comment without a prompt about my thoughts or feelings in any area of life experience, I find writing a little more challenging. I suppose when I’m asked questions, it’s because I think someone is interested in what I have to say. But sharing information without solicitation, I have no idea if anyone is really interested or if they even connect to what I’m sharing.

Maybe my self-esteem hasn’t healed from abuse as much as I thought. I may unconsciously hear that my own opinions aren’t valid, my life not a worthy story, Maybe something whispers that the words of others are far more interesting than I could ever share, or theirs are more necessary to tell. Maybe I don’t have enough stories under my belt to captivate an audience.

So, here’s what I’m asking during my 365 Day Daily Post Challenge. Please do me the favor of leaving a comment and letting me know what you think about anything I’ve written. Please be honest, but kind. After reading one of my writing blogs, a chapter in my story, or one of my pages, short stories, or a tweet—anything that you know I have crafted—I really want to know if you think my writing skills measure up.

Your input will be highly appreciated, and your time greatly valued, and I promise not to take anything personally but in the spirit of receiving a genuine and helpful reply. I will gladly take suggestions on where you think I need to improve, or I will take your suggestions on what to write about. Thank you so much to those who are willing to help me out!

Loving Your Work

Monday. In the “olden days,” when I went to school or to work, I reacted to the first day of the week as if life was temporarily over, because I had to give up a weekend of fun, relaxation, or social connections.

Most of my jobs made me miserable. Either a difficult boss, snarky coworkers, mundane work, physical discomfort, and a list of other reasons existed for my Monday workday blues. Why didn’t I quit and find a better job? Why didn’t I quit and pursue my passion of writing? Why didn’t I quit so I could be happier and healthier without the immense stress?

Sure, I had an apartment to pay for, but I worked paycheck to paycheck and struggled to make ends meet. It wasn’t worth it. I should have rented a room and made the best of it until I could get a book off the ground or found other work that felt more satisfying. I should have gotten past my fear of starting my own business. If I had moved past my fears, I can’t imagine what I would have accomplished at such an early age.

Now that I work from home, the days blur and weekends are only different because of traffic patterns. But the big difference is I’m happy doing what I love.

If you’re miserable every Monday, if you don’t look forward to going to work either at home or in the office, it may be time to consider doing what you love, following your passion. Starting a new business, especially during a pandemic, is a frightful proposition, but many people are doing it successfully, tailoring services or products to the temporary socially disconnected world. Use your imagination and let it inspire you to move past your fears  and out of misery, unhappiness, boredom, or whatever else is overwhelming about your current position.

Granted, this isn’t possible for everyone. For some it may not be feasible to leave a demanding, unchallenging, or wretched position because of dire financial obligations, but even they can start planning for something new and brighter outside of work hours.

The old adage, “What would you do if you knew you could not fail?” still holds true. Give it some serious consideration. You’re worth the effort!

Challenging Yourself

I have a confession to make. My daughter, Marisa Ynez, said she accepted a challenge recently to grow her life coaching business. It’s called “The 365 Day Challenge” and is simple. Post at least one line every day on social media. I doubted she could do it (Sorry, Marisa) so I volunteered to help keep her accountable. Then I did something possibly considered insane—I took on the challenge as well.

The intent of the challenge is to get our business brand names out to the public. For my daughter, it’s promoting her business in relationship counseling (one-time shameless mother’s plug: Marisa is amazing and has helped my husband and me in our relationship! https://www.messagesfromyoni.com). For me, it’s promoting my books at www.CaroleAvila.com.

We don’t have to mention our work in all posts—just our names. The idea is to discipline ourselves to post. Today is the third day of the year and I’ve made my goal so far. Granted it’s only 3 days, but that’s a start.

For those of you who want to build your brand name, product, service, or blogsite, there are still 363 days to go. It’s not too late. It may help to find an accountability buddy who will encourage your success.

Happy New Year to all. May everyone enjoy health and peace this year!

---

My website is at www.CaroleAvila.com and I have two writing blogs at https://caroleavila.blog or http://caroleavilawriter.blogspot.com. (I’m in the process of deciding which writing blog gets more hits.) My website for Healing Through Awareness and Self-Expression for sexual abuse is at https://htase.squarespace.com.

Simple Idea to End Your Aggressive Driving

If you yell at slow moving vehicles in front of your car, if you give stink-eye to someone who enters an intersection before their turn at a four-way stop, or if you flip a single finger to a person texting on their phone who swerves into your lane, then you might benefit from this simple suggestion.

It’s not to say your anger isn’t justified, but that’s a lot of hostile energy you’re putting out there, which only causes you more stress and may make the other driver angry. Since strong emotional energy has proven to be effective in creating change, why not send good, positive energy to the other driver so they can be safer on the road and so you can have a better day driving?

This easy and simple practice can be applied not only to drivers who annoy you, but in any social situation, no matter where it takes place. Think of someone or something that invokes a feeling of profound love in you. It could be a person, a pet, or a place you feel safe. I visualize my dog, Bostrum, who died a few years ago. A gentle animal, he was old, but every now and then he acted like a playful puppy. He gave love easily. He is my symbol for unconditional love.

Now, when you connect with an annoying driver, imagine them as your love symbol. Let that energy recreate joyful feelings, and send the driver peaceful energy.

Reduce driving aggression by sending other drivers the same energy you’d give to someone or something you loved.

Remember, when you send out good thoughts to anyone, they will be positively affected and more thoughtful on the road or towards other people.

Give it a try, and you will find peace on the road, reduce your stress, and do something subtle that will have a profound affect on the world!

Having Good Intentions & Why We Sabotage Them

We sabotage when we make unrealistic goals and give ourselves ridiculously brief timelines to achieve them (losing 100 pounds in 60 days, writing a novel and expecting to see it on the best sellers list in a month, or becoming a famous actor overnight if you are unwilling to go on auditions or contact an agent.) Or we might make goals that aren’t in line with what we truly want. We may also need to work on our innate feeling of unworthiness, thinking on an unconscious level that we don’t deserve the desires of our hearts. Sabotage is based on negative thinking–I can’t. I won’t. I shouldn’t. I don’t.

If you find yourself constantly sabotaging, that’s a good indication that your intention might not be in line with how you really feel or what you really want. Or you may have unhealed trauma, an underlying problem that needs attention first, generally not feeling worthy or wanting the wrong thing because you’re stuck in an old belief pattern.

One thing that to remember is that just because you want something, that doesn’t mean it’s good for you.

This year my “release” list was long, yet nothing too challenging–I want to enjoy success. On my list were a few old behaviors like procrastination that I need to release, because it doesn’t serve me and never did. My manifestation list was longer. It included things I wanted to achieve, but it also stated things I wanted to be–fearless, or less fearful, and to be more determined–to push pass residual fears and joyfully put forth the energy to do my part in creating my newly defined future. Above all, I intend to hold “right thinking,” positive thoughts to release stress, make hard jobs easier, and to help me confront any fears that might normally hold me back.

I think if we keep our thoughts positive, act every day with kindness–or at the least, act with common decency toward others, and are on a constant journey of inner growth, we will have an easier time fulfilling our intentions. And if we sabotage, intentionally or not, we have to be self-forgiving and restart working on our intention knowing we’re not perfect. We are allowed to make mistakes and to try again.

Mistakes simply show us how to improve the next time or they point at something else we might be wanting.

May you be blessed with fabulous energy this year to create anything beneficial that you truly desire!